When Grandparenting Requires The Art of Blending
The paint palette may not be our forte, but we can become artists at grandparenting our blended families. All too often in this day and age, for numerous reasons, grandparents are called upon to blend their biological grandchildren along with new family additions. When that happens, do away with the tags of “step” and “blended.” Instead, if a conversation requires you to differentiate which grandchild (or whose child) you are talking about, refer to the new arrival in the family as my “bonus” grandchild. However, this conversation should never take place in front of the grandchildren. Never introduce your blended grandkids using tags such as bio, step, bonus, or any term that sets them apart. This isn’t necessary, and generally it’s just reluctance on our part to let go of the past and accept the present.
Sometimes, an actual adoption may take place in a blended family, but often that is not the case. We just blend the families, while they may retain different family surnames. But in the heart of a grandparent, the addition of bonus grandchildren needs to be accepted as an adoption. Christian grandparents, especially, should understand how it is that adoption takes place. When we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we were adopted into God’s family. When our son or daughter married their new spouse, they and their children became one family. God will bless us if we accept that fact, and He will multiply our love. God never shorts us on love; He just keeps giving us more.
One of the first ways to make the bonus grandchildren feel included is to set their photos about the house along with your bio grandkids. Here after, let the photos be referred to as “the grandkids.” Oh, and you don’t want to forget the young artist gallery on your refrigerator. Display “all” the grandchildren’s artwork. They’ll be proud and pleased that Grandma and Grandpa love them enough to brag on their work.
If you have long distance grandchildren and often mail care packages of love, be sure to include the entire blended family of grandkids names on the mailing label. Ask to chat with your bonus grandkids on the phone just like you do your natural born grandchildren. Listen and learn quickly what they are interested in, then draw them out by talking about these topics. If you live close, attend their school and extra-curricular activities just as often as you do your natural born grandchildren.
Be organized whether living near or far. Get a calendar and write down their birthdays and the important events in their lives.
Grandkids are into fairness, so are the parents. Keep this fact in mind when you are inviting the grandchildren for an overnighter or extended visit. The family notices and is hurt when a grandparent only invites their natural born grandchildren. If the family is too large for you to take all the grandkids at one time, you might try inviting one bio and one bonus grandchild to visit together. Grandma and Grandpa’s house needs to be the one place that all feel welcome. Remember the times in your life when you didn’t feel included. Remember the pain of feeling rejected, and never heap this kind of pain upon a child. No doubt, blended grandchildren have already experienced some pain, loss, and rejection—don’t add to it. They are children, and God will not honor our leaving them out.
Gift giving is another touchy area that you don’t want to fudge on. Plan to spend the same amount on gifts for your blended grandkids. Since older grandkids’ clothes and gifts cost more than wee tots, you don’t have to get fanatical down to the penny.
Draw the family close by being a flexible, not demanding, grandparent. Be willing to flex and change celebration times to accommodate family visitation schedules.Be opening to including a new holiday dish or tradition that is a favorite of your bonus grandchildren.
But the most important thing you can do for your blended grandchildren is balance your time and attention. Share your life and share your love. Maxine Marsolini in her book, Blended Families: Handle With Care (Moody Press) says it well, “Blending doesn’t just happen; we purposely journey into it.” That includes the grandparents, too.
Plan to enjoy your double portion of grandparenting, blending them together in the perfect family portrait. You’ll be doubly blessed!
Check out my Long Distance Grandma: Staying Connected Across The Miles (Simon & Schuster).
Sometimes, an actual adoption may take place in a blended family, but often that is not the case. We just blend the families, while they may retain different family surnames. But in the heart of a grandparent, the addition of bonus grandchildren needs to be accepted as an adoption. Christian grandparents, especially, should understand how it is that adoption takes place. When we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we were adopted into God’s family. When our son or daughter married their new spouse, they and their children became one family. God will bless us if we accept that fact, and He will multiply our love. God never shorts us on love; He just keeps giving us more.
One of the first ways to make the bonus grandchildren feel included is to set their photos about the house along with your bio grandkids. Here after, let the photos be referred to as “the grandkids.” Oh, and you don’t want to forget the young artist gallery on your refrigerator. Display “all” the grandchildren’s artwork. They’ll be proud and pleased that Grandma and Grandpa love them enough to brag on their work.
If you have long distance grandchildren and often mail care packages of love, be sure to include the entire blended family of grandkids names on the mailing label. Ask to chat with your bonus grandkids on the phone just like you do your natural born grandchildren. Listen and learn quickly what they are interested in, then draw them out by talking about these topics. If you live close, attend their school and extra-curricular activities just as often as you do your natural born grandchildren.
Be organized whether living near or far. Get a calendar and write down their birthdays and the important events in their lives.
Grandkids are into fairness, so are the parents. Keep this fact in mind when you are inviting the grandchildren for an overnighter or extended visit. The family notices and is hurt when a grandparent only invites their natural born grandchildren. If the family is too large for you to take all the grandkids at one time, you might try inviting one bio and one bonus grandchild to visit together. Grandma and Grandpa’s house needs to be the one place that all feel welcome. Remember the times in your life when you didn’t feel included. Remember the pain of feeling rejected, and never heap this kind of pain upon a child. No doubt, blended grandchildren have already experienced some pain, loss, and rejection—don’t add to it. They are children, and God will not honor our leaving them out.
Gift giving is another touchy area that you don’t want to fudge on. Plan to spend the same amount on gifts for your blended grandkids. Since older grandkids’ clothes and gifts cost more than wee tots, you don’t have to get fanatical down to the penny.
Draw the family close by being a flexible, not demanding, grandparent. Be willing to flex and change celebration times to accommodate family visitation schedules.Be opening to including a new holiday dish or tradition that is a favorite of your bonus grandchildren.
But the most important thing you can do for your blended grandchildren is balance your time and attention. Share your life and share your love. Maxine Marsolini in her book, Blended Families: Handle With Care (Moody Press) says it well, “Blending doesn’t just happen; we purposely journey into it.” That includes the grandparents, too.
Plan to enjoy your double portion of grandparenting, blending them together in the perfect family portrait. You’ll be doubly blessed!
Check out my Long Distance Grandma: Staying Connected Across The Miles (Simon & Schuster).
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